Breathe Me
by the-fosters-tales
Summary: Callie's past troubles are not really helping her, will Callie be able to ask for help and to go through it all again ? (No Brallie, does contain Self- Harm)
1. Chapter 1

**Breathe Me**

**Contains a trigger warning for Self-Harm. **

**I will continue if people want me to, request are welcome :) **

_**Callie's POV**_

I play with the sharp object between mij fingertips, while i trace the scars on my arm with the other. You see I could give you a metaphor just like John Green would do. I just use the sharp object it to hold it in my hands and rip my skin. But I don't give it the power to kill me, I'm the person who controls it. Do I light the cigarette or do I wanna live longer ?

I internally laugh about this, and shrug my shoulders. Funny how John Green can make his way into my 's easy to compare you're own life to Hazel Grace, I just dont have cancer but an addiction that slowly destroys me. The only difference is that I could do something about it and recover, Hazel has to wait and see if it helps. God I never should've read that stupid book. It's not that I hate it, but just the concept that someone will be there for you to wrap their arms around you while you're dying is stupid. We don't need someone when we're dying, we need someone right now, or I need someone right now.

I grab my bag and get up off the bathroom floor and push the door open with my foot. Class already started 5 minutes ago, nothing to worry about. A sigh escaped my lips when I look into the mirror, my eyes all red and puffy and my hair sticked to my face from the tears that had dried up.

The hallways were empty and the only sound that you could hear was the squeaking of shoes. Who really cared if you were having fun learning all those things they teach you. Learning is interesting and fun, but only if it's about something you are interested in. I turned around the corner and bounced back running into someone. 'I'm so so sorry' I said picking up her books and giving them back. 'It's okay, I wasn't paying attention' the girl said like she could care less. She was Beautiful, brown wavy hair down to her waist, green eyes and a warm husky voice. 'I need to go, but it would be easier if you would move out of my way' the girl said in a bitchy but friendly tone. ' euhm yeah, I'm sorry' I mumbled and stepped aside. People never intimidated me, but she was an exception I guess.

I sped up my Tempo when I made my way to the beach. Skipping class is harder when your foster mom is the Principal. But I couldn't go to class not today. I untied the laces of my shoes and took of my socks before I placed my feet into to the sand and made my way somewhere peacefully and out of sight of Lena's window. The view infront of me was beautiful, big white waves crashing into the coastline, Grey skies with a couple of White and Grey clouds. It felt comforting knowing that the weather agreed with my mood.

My feelings couldn't agree with each other,they were a mess. I wanted someone to hug me, hold me and make me feel safe. I wanted someone to be my friend,someone to share my secrets with. Someone who wouldn't judge me, someone who would understand, someone who gave me the feeling that I am not alone. I pulled my knees up to my chest and let my head rest between my knees.

_'Are you okay there ?'_ I hear a familiar voice ask. _'yeah I'm fine ' _I said looking up to Lena.

_' Are you sure ? You don't look like you're fine'_ She said sitting down next to me, rubbing my back.

_'yeah, it's just… I just needed a silent moment for myself, because I couldn't focus on anything. '_ I answered truthfully

_'okay'_ Lena answered sighing and saying nothing further.

She didn't say anything, it's like she knew what I meant. There was silence, a comfortable silence.

_'How did you know I was here'_ I asked after a 5 minute silence

'_I saw you walking when I looked through the window in my office. And so I came to check up on you, to see if you were okay ' _

_'I'm fine' _I said again resting my head on my knees looking to the view infront of my again.

_'You seem to say that a lot Callie ' _She said lifting my head up with her finger under my chin.

I just shrugged my shoulders and turned my head back to the Sea.

_'Let's talk at home after diner, okay ?'_

_'yeah, sure' _ I said lifting my shoulders up and letting them fall back down.

_'Come'_ Lena said standing up and stretching arm out to me.

I looked at here hesitantly,a sighed escaped my mouth before I grabbed her hand and lifted myself of the sand.

_'you wanna make a deal'_ Lena proposed and layed her arm on my shoulder pulling me closer to her.

_'hmm'_

_' You can go home, but only if you promise me to take some rest and go to bed. I will take care of the rest here in school '_

I nodded my head _'okay'_ I said giving her a weak smile.

I closed the door behind me and made my way into the kitchen to take some aspirin out of the basket. My head felt like it could almost explode any minute or second. The cold water slowly filled the glass in my hand, I took the aspirin in my mouth and took slow sips of the water. I place the empty glass in the sink and made my way upstairs. The cold of the pillow on my skin felt releaving, it felt like it took my headache away just for 2 seconds. The best 2 seconds of the day I thought and laughed, how sad. I didn't even care to take of my shoes , I turned around to face the wall and pulled my knees up. Silent tears slowly rolled down my cheeks and softly hit my pillow. It's funny how I call things mine, my feelings,my headache, my pillow,my shoes.

I didn't even ask to have feelin-

_'callie ?' _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you guys for all the amazing reviews! they mean a lot and I'm sorry for the long wait. **_

_**I apologize for grammar mistakes I'm trying the best I can to write it properly sinds my First language isn't English.**_

_**Also I'm having some trouble finding out how everything works on here so please give me some time to fix everything :)**_

_**So here enjoy Chapter 2 :)**_

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM AND SELF-IMAGE ! **

_The cold of the pillow on my skin felt relieving, it felt like it took my headache away just for 2 seconds. The best 2 seconds of the day I thought and laughed, how sad. I didn't even care to take of my shoes , I turned around to face the wall and pulled my knees up. Silent tears slowly rolled down my cheeks and softly hit my pillow. It's funny how I call things mine, my feelings, my headache, my pillow, my shoes._

_I didn't even ask to have feelin-_

'_Callie' _asked the familiar voice that belonged to stef. I let out a deep sigh before I answered. '_eeuh,yeah'_ I said trying to keep my voice normal. '_Why are you at home ?'_ If there was one thing I didn't want to do right now was answering questions. '_I was feeling sick, so I was allowed to go home'_ I sighed again and made myself more comfortable under my blanket. It felt like my blanket could hide my lies and kept me safe from all the people that were trying to find out my secrets. _'You mind if I come in'_ Stef asked already walking into my room. I shrugged my shoulders, it's not that saying no is going to stop her._ 'Are you okay'_ She asked sitting next to me on my bed. _'yeah, I'm fine'_ I lied again, still facing her with my back. It's hard to find the energy to turn around and face her. let alone to find the energy to lie straight to her face. _'Listen, I know you're not fine.I know what fine means. So I won't force you to tell me what's wrong, but mind joining me for some tea ?'_ Stef asked sweetly rubbing my back. I shrugged my shoulders again, all I just wanted to do was sleep. '_Take a nap first and then come to me and we'll drink some tea, yes ?'_ She tried again, this time she didn't give me a choice, she just gave me the chance to confirm it. _'yes'_ I replied and closed my eyes._ 'okay love' Stef_ said and stood up, leaving a kiss on my cheek before she went downstairs.

What did I do to end up in a loving and caring home like The Fosters ? Will they still be as loving and caring when they know about my secrets ? I felt that the aspirin finally did his work, so I closed my eyes and let my mind slip into the dark.

_there she was, a copy of my younger self sitting on the floor in the bathroom ripping open her skin. Feeling the pain take over the demons inside of her mind and washing away all the worries for a couples of seconds. She never felt a relief as good as this one. It doesn't matter that it hurts, the pain overruled everything else that was hurting her. The younger copy of myself watches obsessed at the blood that slowly dripped down on the floor. It wasn't blood, it was the guilt that slowly tried to drip out of her body. As she stands up, she sees the reflection of herself in the mirror. Her face is full of disgust and hatred, she is shocked of how lifeless and empty her eyes look. They don't shine anymore, she doesn't has that little light dancing around in her eyes like other kids her age. Her fingers try to zip open the dress she was wearing but she was still shaking of what happened just 30 minutes. Her hands started to pull at the zipper, she didn't know how fast she could get in the shower. Every time she thought about previous events, the younger version of me started to feel more disgusted with her body._

_She shivered when her cold feet touched the shower floor that was already heated by the hot water that poured out of the shower head. It felt like the water was burning her skin, burning away the filth, burning away the guilt. She scrubbed her skin until it was red, she even made sure that she scrubbed every inch of her body. Her head snapped when there was someone banging on the bathroom door "Callie, it's time to get out. No need to hide any longer"_

"_Callie, sweetie ? wake up"_ I heard her whisper. _"Callie?"_ She whispered and again and carefully tapped my shoulder._"hmm"_ I groaned before I turned around and opened my eyes. "_What's going on love?"_ Stef sweetly asked and places the lose strain behind my ear._ "hmm?"_ she said in an asking tone._ "I don't know, why ?"_ I asked. _"Well because I heard you talk when I walked by on my way to the bathroom". "oh"_ was all I let out. _"Why is it so dark?"_ I tried changing the subject. _"Lena and I tried to wake you up, but you just slept through it. So we decided to just let you sleep. To answer your question, it's dark because it's around 3 AM"_ She tried saying without waking up Mariana._ "Come on, I'll warm some milk and fix a night snack for you"_ Stef said taking my hand, practically dragging me out of bed. You see I could refuse and stay under my safe and warm blanket, but I am way too tired for that. Stefs hand leads my down the stairs into the kitchen, and never letting go of my hand. _"Here sit"_ She says and guides me to the seating area. _"I'll be right back"_ She says walking into the kitchen to make something to eat. The only light that is shining is the one from the open fridge door, I don't mind I like it dark. _"Here ya go, a midnight snack and warm milk"_ She says placing the plate on my lap before handing me the milk. "_Thank you"_ I say just loud enough to understand.

"_So how are you feeling"_ stef asked sitting down next to me. I shrugged my shoulders _" I don't know"_ I said truthfully. _"You don't know how you're feeling ?"_ She asked with a caring tone. _"I don't know"_ I answered again. _" Do you know what you're feeling?"_ She tried asking it again. I shrugged my shoulder and took a bite out of the sandwich she made for me. _"Come here love"_ Stef said reaching our her hand to pull me closer, but I just looked at it and stayed where I was. All I wanted to do was getting closer, but I can't my body didn't move. I looked at her to see if she was mad, but she wasn't but instead her face was filled with worry and love. Why couldn't I be normal, and just accept her hand and be closer to her. I mentally slapped myself across the face. Great you've done it again, I thought when Stef got up and walked away. Why do I always push people away, I don't want to push any more people away. Before I knew it Stef came back with a blanket, and sat down closer to me before wrapping both of us in it. Her hand sneaked around my waist, and I slowly laid my head down on her shoulder.

"_It's okay Callie"_ She whispered. _"It's okay to be totally lost, not knowing how to feel or where to go. It's okay to not know who you are. I know how it feels to not know what you feel, it's an annoying and frustrated feeling but at the same time it's a comfortable feeling. And I just want you to know that Lena and I are here for you, you can talk to us anywhere or anytime you want. I promise you nor Lena or I won't judge you, we just want you to open up and feel safe because we love you and we care about you"_ She whispers, saying the last part out loud. I nod my head _"thank you"_ I whisper and close my eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a repost because the last version was a mess and everything was confusing.**

**So Chapter 3, less confusing and better to read, I hope.. :)**

_Why do I always push people away, I don't want to push any more people away. Before I knew it Stef came back with a blanket, and sat down closer to me before wrapping both of us in it. Her hand sneaked around my waist, and I slowly layed my head down on her shoulder._

"_It's okay Callie"_ She whispered.  
><em>"It's okay to be totally lost, not knowing how to feel or where to go. It's okay to not know who you are. <em>

_I know how it feels to not know what you feel, it's an annoying and frustrated feeling but at the same time it's a comfortable feeling._

_ I just want you to know that Lena and I are here for you, you can talk to us anywhere or anytime you want. _

_I promise you nor Lena or I won't judge you, we just want you to open up and feel safe because we love you and we care about you"_ She whispers, saying the last part outloud.  
>I nod my head<em> "thank you"<em> I whisper and close my eyes.

Opening up I thought, that sounds like horror.

Letting people in and telling them my secrets, it's sounds like bungee jumping but without knowing if the chord will let you bounce back or hit the ground.

It sounds life threatening, doesn't it? Just Imagine standing on the ledge hesitating if you want to jump or not.

Only this time you don't have anyone that encourages you to jump and tells you that the chord is all safe.

Nobody tells you that you'll hang for a some time,but you'll be back on your feet and everything is going to be okay.

Maybe it will even go better than okay..

I take a deep breath before I lift my head of her shoulder. I'm not jumping I decided.

_"Thank you"_ I whisper again and made my way back to bed

I woke up with the sun shining in my face, well not literally I would burn if it was right it my face.

But I mean a ray of sunshine or something like that, anyway it's annoying. This weird feeling came over me, it was too quiet in here.

Normally you would hear everyone rush to get ready, most of the time someone would yell at someone because of the lack of bathrooms in this house.

I tied my hair up in a bun while I made my way downstairs to grab something to eat.

There was no one watching me and no one who noticed I wasn't really eating like they wantend me to eat.

I grab a cup of coffee and sat down at the table when I noticed a yellow sticky note in the middle of the table.

**Hi Sunshine nice knowing your up :) Mama and I thought you could use a day extra.. **

**She's at school working and I'm out getting some groceries. I'll be back around 11. **

**We made pancakes this morning, they're in the fridge. **

**- Stef**

I groan at the thought of knowing that I won't be alone today. My eyes locked with the clock on the wall, 10 am.

That gives me time to take the pancakes and to dump them in the trash and go back to bed, before I could finish my thoughts Stef walked in with two bags of groceries.

_"Morning Love"_ She smiled placing the bags on the table, _"how are you?_ I just shrugged my shoulders.

_"Have you eaten anything yet ?"_ She tried again.

_"No"_ I answered vaguely and got up to take the pancakes out of the fridge_ "Eating right now"_ I said showing her the plate and sitting down, covering the pancakes with syrup. Stef smiled and decided to let my little attitude be what it is,for now.

"_I'm gonna take a shower"_ I said standing in the doorframe of Stef and Lena's room.

_"Yeah, sure"_ Stef nodded and placed some folded clothes into the laundry basket.

Something told me that she wanted to say more but decided to save it for later.

I grabbed a clean sweatpants and lose longsleeve shirt and made my way to the bathroom.

I didn't really wanna shower, I just wanted to be alone without someone asking me if I was okay.

it's weird how easy you can get away with saying I'm fine, because people are always to busy with their lives or their selves to ask you if you're sure because you don't look like it. What did I deserve to find these two beautiful women that weren't to busy to ask if I was sure ?

I tried looking in the mirror infront of me, but everytime I look at myself I see the same eyes as when I was younger.

I can hear him yelling at me, I can hear him. I can feel his breath against my neck and his touch against my skin.

Before I knew it I unlocked the bathroom door and made my way back to the bedroom.

Even the simplest things like taking a shower requires courage that I don't have. Maybe I should jump, even if it's just halfway I thought.

But first it was time to change into some clean clothes and at least do my hair and brush my teeth.

There I was standing infront of the door, or in other words the ledge. My hand softly knocked three times on the door, before I even knew what I was doing.

_"Come in love"_ Stef sweetly said, putting away the book she was reading while Callie came in.

_"Sorry I didn't want to interrupt you, I can come back later"_Callie said turning around and walking back to the door.

_"Hey sweets, you weren't interrupting anything. Come here"_ she says and pats the empty space beside her.

Callie rolled her eyes and turned around, making her way to the bed and sat on the edge. She just wished Stef would have let her walk out that door.

She felt Stef's eyes burning on her, she felt the curiosity burning through her skin.

Stef patiently waited for the nervouse teen to talk, not wanting to push her into having a conversation.

_"I-uuhm. I-I don't know how to start"_ Callie sighed and looked at the pattern of the duvet.

_"It's okay, take your time"_ Stef said sitting up to let her know she was paying attention.

_"nevermind"_ Callie said defeated and stood back up.

Why am I so afraid to jump Callie thought, is it really that scary ?


End file.
